Steps to Communication – The House series Part 4

Our Biggest Marriage Challenge

By the title you might be wondering if I remembered this series is supposed to be about our house.  That’s just the thing; the story about our house – this journey – is the story of the last six years of our life.  The lessons we’ve learned, the way we’ve grown, the wisdom we’ve gained, the sorrows, the joys, the struggles, the triumphs of our family and our marriage… are all wrapped up in the story of the house.

God has used this house to teach us so many lessons.  Not just the tangible ones like carpentry and framing and stair-building stuff.  In so many ways, the house has been our classroom for life.

Never was this more true than in our first year of marriage.

From the outside it looks blissful to be newlyweds building a house together.

 The reality?  It’s HARD.  Twenty-one years young …and clueless.  Naive about the house building process, and ignorant to the real life finances it requires.  There’s not much guidance out there for people in our situation.  Probably because most people our age were trying to survive college, not embark on building a house.

Building a successful marriage requires copious amounts of communication.  Building a house requires loads of communication.  That is SO MUCH COMMUNICATION!  Communication takes time.  Our phrase was,

“If we don’t have a relationship, we don’t need a house.”

We spent so much more time that first year over at the house ‘working on our relationship’ than physically making progress on the house – learning to communicate, come to agreements on decisions, and working out differences of opinion and preference to agreeable compromises.  Not all issues were house related, but a lot were sparked by things that it brought up.

In the four walls of this classroom-house, we learned a lot about ourselves and working with each other.  We learned we prioritize different things {sound system vs. what’s the need for that?}.  We value different things {eg. kitchen space/office space}.  We have different work methods {party vs. focus}.  We have different organizational styles.  We like different decor feels {cool minimalist/warm comfortable}.  We have different skills.  Different interests.  We are two separate individuals trying to combine different tastes to make something beautiful.

We are so similar on principled matters in all other parts of life, but when it comes to designing a house?  You might have thought you see eye-to-eye, but this will test you to the utmost.

Just try choosing where the laundry should go.  How many windows and where they should be placed.  How to design the kitchen.  Where the master bed should go.  How big a closet you should have.  Where you’ll put your computers, shoes, toiletries, collectables, you-name-it.  How many lights and where to switch them from.  So. Many. Decisions.  So many opportunities to not *quite* agree on the first try!

I’m not sure where we heard or read it, but they say the two biggest challenges for a marriage to go through are a major medical event, and building a house together.  It was helpful to have this knowledge, that it wasn’t an easy thing we were attempting to do… and in our first year being married, no less.

The pressure’s on once you get married to immediately be getting a house.  You don’t have to have it all figured out yet.  Give yourself time to get used to each other, your likes and dislikes, and tastes in all things design and decor.  Nail down your long-term career plan and where that will land you.  Figure out how close (or how far) to family you’d like to be.  Decide where you’d like your future kids to grow up.  Don’t feel bad about giving yourself at least a year before purchasing or building a home.  Never let others guilt you into tying yourself down prematurely.  There’s no shame in renting and keeping life simple for a while.  In the current economy, in most areas, it’s also more economical to buy a house that’s already built, rather than building or doing an extreme remodel (unless you can do most of the work yourself which will be closer to the cost of buying a comparable place).  That thing called a “starter house?”  Is a pretty good idea!

And in case any of you are interested in building a house… instead of nodding and smiling a little while your head stays dreaming in the clouds, I will burst your bubble before you get too far into this.  I am going to say the unpopular thing you probably don’t want to hear.  This is what we wish someone older and wiser would have told us.  {Please, dear people who are older and wiser and have been there/done that before… take us young whippersnappers by the shoulders and give us a good shake to get our feet down on the ground – we may still choose to blaze the harder trail, but at least we will have been warned! :P}

It will take LONGER than you think.

It will COST MORE than you imagine.

It is more STRESS than you know.

It will TEST your relationship.

It is more WORK than you realize.

Think really hard.  Be really sure you want to take this on.  Is it doable?  {hesitantly…} Yes.  Could it do you in?  Also yes.  You will have to fight.  If you are young, you will have to beat the odds.  You will have many rough weekends repairing your relationship.  And good luck.  You’ll need all the encouragement you can get.

It also gets easier.  Our methods of working through differences have gotten better.  We are more understanding when talking through conflicts.  There’s really no such thing as too much communication in a marriage.  Doing this house project has been like an intensive training where learning, growth, and maturity is sped up.  (And the practical skills he’s taught himself are basically like a college education.)  I feel like it made us stronger as a couple.  We are forced to be a team and make it work.  We have to work together, recognizing our different gifts and passions.

This toughest phase lasted through the first year and into the second and has gradually faded out.  Occasionally issues flare up even now, but we’re much more efficient at resolving our differences.  And don’t get me wrong, there are beautiful times too, when all has seemed blissful!

It’s a love/hate relationship, this house project.  It’s felt at times like a curse and a blessing.  We are determined.  One step at a time…

…we built the stairs to the attic.

Before winter set in we got one more thing done outside, running the electrical to the house!  Below is the grounding rod.

Ben, wiring the outdoor main panel and meter up.  Check out those hefty cables!

Since I started off this post talking about marriage, I’m going to end on the same note.  This guy.  I don’t deserve him.   It’s really HIM that’s doing the work of this house building thing, because let’s be honest, I don’t have a mechanical skill set AT ALL and no aptitude for anything construction related {not my top interests in my wildest dreams in a million years}!   But falling in love with the cute construction guy… the young contractor… the framing man… the HVAC tech… and the electrician?!  Totally possible!  😉  And he loves having me just BE with him while he’s working.  I come up with ideas and designs and he magically makes it happen! 😀  He’s studied framing, stone masonry, electrical, interior design, and so much more, spending hours and hours (sometimes days) learning, and then turned around and implemented what he’s learned.

Timeline

These are only the MAJOR milestones that happened, there are so many small details that are hard to quantify but take time too!  Unless otherwise noted, ALL the work was done by Ben!!!

2010  (pre-marriage)

• All old junk and broken lean cleared away  Part 1
• New siding, windows, roof – by contractor  Part 2
• Lath & plaster removed
• Beautiful (tall!) front door found and purchased at discount store
• Layout of house changed from facing south to facing east

2011  (1st year of marriage)

• 3 skylights installed  Part 3
• House straightened/reinforced
• Attic (3rd story) added
• Stairs to attic and interior upstairs walls built  Part 4
• Outside electric meter wired and electricity run to the house

(Top 5 LIFE happenings in 2011 – engaged, married, visiting relatives, miscarriage, marriage communication lessons)