Pregnancy Update!

Good news makes the heart happy! :)

Made it to my appointment PREGNANT!!!  Feels a little silly, but that was a huge victory in my mind!

Cervix hasn't changed and even though I am having some more contractions it is normal as you get farther along in your pregnancy and they are comfortable that I am attuned to my body to notice any major changes.  Almost 28 weeks which is a safe point for baby, so we are free to go home then!  (They also understand if we are more comfortable staying close to the hospital until 34 weeks.)

Now, to make it to 37 so I can have a HOME birth and a WATER birth!  And I am DETERMINED to do kangaroo care at birth at any point from here on - watch out, this mama will fight for her rights!

Here's to being home so I can see my cloth diapers (package should have arrived!), my ship friends can come visit and I shall be there to eat the asparagus that will be coming up soon!  Thank you, Jesus!

Letting Go

Spring being a time of graduations, its probably something you think of then.  Not 18 years before.  But yes, I MUST face it, I must start thinking about it.  I must start preparing myself for the hardest thing a mother has to do. From birth to graduation, something she has to do little by little 365 days a year of her child's life.

Letting go.

Now is the time, the only time and for the last time, that I will hold our little one this tight and this close.  I will savor it while I can.  Birth starts the process of letting go.  We won't 'be one' anymore; he won't be in me.  He will come out and be his own individual, separate from me with his own thoughts, ideas and dreams.  Leaving the womb he starts his journey of leaving me.  Developmental milestones are steps towards independence; all working towards one day pushing him out of the nest.  School age comes and though you may think that with home school you get to hold them a little longer, that is really not true.  You must let them explore and discover and be free to make (small) mistakes and bad decisions.  They must learn that actions have consequences because you will not always be there to guide and protect, and that is how the real world works.  As they get older they will have ideas, and in a safe environment, you must let them follow their child-dreams, knowing that this sets the precedent for who you believe they can become later in life.  You must be their cheerleader, their biggest fan, though you know that each victory is a step away from you.  And then the teen years.  Some freedom and some rules, allowing them the responsibility (though painful sometimes) for many of their own decisions now.  If they do not find their wings gradually, it will be a hard fall when they shoot out of the nest.  It is paramount that they develop their own convictions and identity as an individual, preventing them from being as easily swayed by those around them later in life.  Pray that the worldview you have instilled in them since birth will give them their own solid foundation, even as the gap between them and the family widens.  And then the cap and the tassel and the tears.  The tears?  But you knew this day was coming.  Will they be tears of pride and joy or of guilt and regret?  You must prepare them well, mother.  Prepare them for leaving you.

That is why it is the present tense.  Letting go.  It is a conscious act, a choice of attitude, every single day.  From the first toddling baby step to walking down the aisle, every step is one more step to leaving you.  And the job is never done; the letting go never accomplished and filed in the past tense.  Because it is an act of the will, this releasing control, to see them as adults and respect that they are their own people.  Counsel, comfort and friendship yes, but you hold them no longer in your arms.

Dear mother, cherish each moment you have your child close for these few fleeting years!  Hold them with an open hand for God did not give them to you to keep.  Birth starts the process of letting go (sometimes God asks us to let go of them even before birth), but smile through your tears, new mama - once a mother, a mom forever - you will always hold your child in your heart!

“Relationships - of all kinds - are like sand held in your hand. Held loosely, with an open hand, the sand remains where it is.The minute you close your hand and squeeze tightly to hold on, the sand trickles through your fingers. You may hold onto it, but most will be spilled. A relationship is like that. Held loosely, with respect and freedom for the other person, it is likely to remain intact. But hold too tightly, too possessively, and the relationship slips away and is lost.”                  
― Kaleel Jamison

Pregnancy Update

A week later and I'm still bummed about missing that grilled BBQ chicken!  Going to the emergency room is probably a good enough reason, but now with that episode behind us, I'm sad about that chicken!

Monday (May 6) night I was having too many contractions in an hour and despite our best efforts to get them stopped, nothing was working.  Following our plan of action, we called the hospital and tried everything I could do at home that they recommended.  They said if the 5-minute apart contractions didn't stop - they didn't stop - we had better come in - so we drove in.  I am so thankful for many things, 1) it was not the ambulance/air care drama that it would have been had I been in active labor,  2) while we worked to get contractions stopped Ben had enough time to run around and put together a little suitcase for me - it's nice to have your own stuff and somehow helped me feel more "prepared"!

I was hospitalized for two days while they got the contractions under control with medication, gave me Betamethasone (a corticosteroid - steroids for baby's lung development) shots that will give him a lot better chance if born early, and kept an eye on my cervix (1cm dilated, 70% effaced).  3) SO thankful we got the lung steroid shots in time!  They have to be given at least 48 hours before delivery for them to be effective. :)

4) We got these ADORABLE pictures of our little man from the 3-D ultrasound!  I'm even more thankful that he weighs 2# 2oz; somehow that just sounds better than having a preemie that is 1# something!  He was measuring a few days ahead by their count, but he is right on for how far along I am by MY count!  #mamaknowsbest ;)

The perinatologist discharged us from our whirlwind hospital stay, but doesn't want us to go home because two hours is too far away at this stage (for baby, to see how my body responds to the meds, etc).  I will have a check-up on Wednesday and they'll re-evaluate my situation and there's a possibility we could go back home.  5) It IS comforting being close to the hospital that has a NICU...  The doctor says all things considered, he'd be very pleased if I could make it to 30-32 weeks along.  So now we know what would be considered a miracle in their eyes!

We are staying in Sioux Falls at the Ronald McDonald House for the week!  6) This relaxing home-like atmosphere only a block away from the hospital and NICU is such a blessing!  Save your pop tabs for this cool charity!  Despite everyone being here for their children in the hospital with cancer/surgeries/in NICU/high-risk pregnancy, it is a happy place, a place with sunshine and laughter!  7) We are so blessed our little guy is safe inside and not fighting for his life like some of the others here.

Here are some medical words that we are becoming very familiar with and if you want to learn LOTS more - more details than you ever wanted to know about pre-term labor and more, follow the links! :)

Perinatologist - an OB/GYN doctor who specializes in high risk pregnancies

NICU - Neonatal Intensive Care Unit, ICU for preemies, newborns and babies with complications  (take a tour here!)

I am on 10mg of Procardia every 6 hours.  A more detailed explanation on it's use for pregnancy can be found here.

Parenting

The best, concise, biblical parenting advice/teaching I have ever heard!  Forget the scores of parenting books, listen to this ONE sermon.



What did you think?  I'd love to hear your comments!

Pregnancy Update

You know how when you're sitting in the doctor's consultation room and the doctor comes in and asks, "How are you doing?" both of you know it's only said as a polite greeting because the moment you saw their face you knew.  But you start talking anyway saying what a good week it was and that you're feeling great and you've been so optimistic and you feel almost healed focusing on all the positives not letting yourself think anything else is possible and surely it's been the best weeks by far and you're doing great really you are and if you can just keep talking maybe she won't have room to fit a word in so she can't tell you what you don't want to hear.  As if the facts unspoken make them somehow unreal.  A coping mechanism of denial, probably.  Eventually you've run out of things to say, as you can only repeat I'm feeling great so many times and you feebly end with, and the sunshine was lovely.

Ignorance is bliss but it is immature to purposely keep oneself uninformed so as to live a carefree life.

She tries to smile, a bit of a pained attempt, as if unsure of where to stick the needle for she knows anywhere she starts will still burst my happy bubble.  And it's just fact and nothing we did wrong and hardest of all, nothing more we can do about it.  Minimize stairs, is her gentle endeavor at letting us have at least something to "do better".  And she got out the little tape measure to help us all drive the point home and make it more real in our minds.  40mm is what is good... 8-9mm is a far cry from that.  The question in my mind; what happens when it shortens to... zero?!  But from here on out there is no need to measure anymore.  She will just check to see if I am in labor.  I must count contractions.  Be MORE aware.  No one else but me can tell if something is different, I alone am solely responsible to make that call.  Sometimes it seems the weight of this responsibility is too much.

We visited the NICU.  Our reality short of a miracle.  I realized just how good a job I have done at positive thinking and imagining my beautiful home birth at full-term (including me jumping on the trampoline on my due date if baby hasn't come yet!) that I have almost blocked out of my mind mentally preparing myself for the other possibility.  The nurse put it well when she said that one of the things NICU parents deal with is grieving the perfect birth story they were picturing.  I need to come back to my realist self at least enough to be ready so it won't be such a shock if it does happen.  (I still believe in the power of positive thinking and will continue, no worries, I just must also be prepared.)  And I can't help thinking What if God's will isn't my will?  Surely a pregnancy with complications and many sacrifices, early birth, and NICU stay wouldn't be His plan for us... or might it?  We saw a baby the exact (gestational) age as ours - except he was out and ours is in.  Strange to think of it that way, and amazing and beautiful.  I didn't think of it till later, but, if we have our baby in the next couple of months... they'll be buddies in the NICU! :)

I had a pity party for one day, bemoaning the things I was hoping to go to this weekend - the Tornado Spotter class, and the annual city wide garage sales shopping for baby stuff with a friend that we had been planning for so long, and church.  I feel like I am in an invisible prison, built of my own self-restraint, but somehow inescapable nonetheless.  It was an emotional day and not a good day to talk to me about moving a fridge and a little burner upstairs so I could effectively live my life on all of one story.  I need space.  I need air so I don't suffocate.  Spring is coming and I want to go outside.  Even though it is of my own choosing, for baby's good, it is still hard.  And then I kicked myself and got over my selfishness and started doing things for others.

And now I am back to doing well (sanity-wise)!  My dear dear friend went garage sailing FOR me and picked out a whole long list of baby clothes that I absolutely cannot wait to see, and a baby bouncer that I am equally excited about!!!!  And there is a baby shower for me tomorrow and about a gazillion people were invited and I am just so excited because I love socializing!!!  And then I feel little buddy-boy's kicks and know he's ok, and I'm ok, and we're telling him to stay in there (at least until after the baby shower - I MUST make it to my own baby shower!!! ;)) and 26 weeks is good and 28 is even better.  And I am blessed.

Butterflies and Boxers (Pregnancy part 3)

"It will feel like... butterflies!" they said.  They must have been having girls.  Everything is flowers, butterflies and princesses with girls.

I, have a martial arts BOXER inside!  Pounding on all sides!  I think he wants to come out and meet us, but he is not allowed just yet! ;)  When he sits too low, it's like he's playing the bass drum, BOOM, BOOM!  Wouldn't it be fun to have a little Nemo fish - with a little fluttery "lucky" fin.  But... it's completely not accurate.  [Scratch cute description.]

Tonight he's at it again.  Very active, he is.  It feels like a frog.  I can actually SEE the kicks now!  Our little martial arts-boxer-bass drummer-frog.  Yup, description works.  A little fighter for sure! :)

Does God give us more than we can handle?

It was one of those articles going somewhat viral around the Christian circles on Facebook.  That was just the first time I was confronted with the question.  Then in the past couple weeks since then I have been bombarded with it:

Does God give you more than you can handle?

On those hardest of days, I agree with a friend (ok, so I am nowhere near where she is at in terms of challenges and hardship - amazing what perspective can do for you! - but still),  

"oh He definitely gives me more than i can handle on a regular basis. He overwhelms me daily. i cry all the time. i used to scream up to Him to help me, to provide some relief, to comfort one baby for me while i helped another... He never did. He has brought me to a place where i am alone and isolated, where i usually have only me to rely on. i am constantly exhausted - i can only ever go to bed after midnight, i have a baby who stays up and then wakes often in the night, often 10 times. so i am always tired. He gave me a wonderful husband through all this, but it's still too hard most of the time. ... i have been suicidal, i have been drunk with joy, i have been terrified, i have been hopeless and i have been blessed enormously. sometimes my very blessedness makes me feel guilty for feeling so overwhelmed." 

...and I emphatically say, YES!!!!!!  Too much, it's too much Lord!

Interesting, that most people going through a difficult situation tend to feel that it is indeed too much for them to bear.  On good days though, farther from heartache and trouble (temporarily), we think we can handle it.  Maybe we even get a little cocky and think that we really can do it in our own strength.  So ask someone who's life is going along well and the answer is more likely to be, "No, I don't think God gives us more than we can handle."  *thinking isn't that somewhere in the Bible?*

Now that I have said how I feel, let me back up this argument with some actual Biblical evidence.  This particular statement, that “God won’t give you more than you can handle,” isn’t even in the Bible.  There is a statement that sounds like it.  1 Corinthians 10:13 says, “No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to humankind.  And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear.”  But notice that verse is about temptation.  That’s it.  You won’t be tempted beyond what you can stand up against.  This text is not saying that you will not experience more than you can bear.  That idea just isn’t Biblical.  If anything the exact opposite is true.  Look at this text.
"For we do not want you to be ignorant, brothers and sisters, of the affliction we experienced in Asia. For we were so utterly burdened beyond our strength that we despaired of life itself. Indeed, we felt that we had received the sentence of death. But that was to make us rely not on ourselves but on God who raises the dead." (2 Cor 1:8,9, emphasis mine).
Later, Paul will write it is when he is weak that the strength of Christ is seen.  In other words, when we can’t do it any longer.  When we are fed up.  When it has become too much.  When we have nothing left.  When we are empty.  When it is beyond our capability to deal with it.  Then, in that moment, the strength of the God of resurrection will be seen.  Until we get to that point, we rely on ourselves thinking we can handle it and take care of the problem.

You can read the full article here.  [Note:  I found this article to be insightful and Biblically accurate but I have not done enough reading to necessarily endorse other content on his blog.]

I think of Job, Joseph, the martyrs of the early church, Mary, a lonely unwed mother, even David who walked through the valley of the shadow of death.  That sounds pretty bad to me. 


Another one of my friends made an interesting point:  
"As I'm thinking about Job, and how it seemed to be more than he could handle, I am also thinking that what happened was beyond Job's control. So I think when something happens outside of our control, that seems like too much for us to handle. It could be God's way of allowing us to trust in him more and rely on him, as well as it is maybe not God giving us more, but "allowing" more to happen."

She also had what I think is a very good and culturally applicable thought and I have to say I agree.
"Sometimes, we become addicted to busyness, and have a hard time saying no. So I think sometimes we inflict upon ourselves too much for us to handle. Whether it be because we want more money so we want a second job, whether it be we want people to like us, whether it be we want to feel loved so we have to go to everything our friends invite us to, or whether it be for other reasons, we sometimes choose these things we don't have to, and are putting ourselves into a situation where it is more than we can handle. So sometimes, even if we think something is more than we can handle, we shouldn't always blame God for letting it happen, we should also look to see if we are partially responsible."  I couldn't have said it better.


"But he said to me, my grace is sufficient for you for my power is made perfect in weakness. Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. ... for when I am weak, then I am strong." (2 Cor.12:9-10) 

A comforting thought from another friend, "I have always been so glad that God doesn't measure out His grace at the beginning of the day, or week, or month and then say, "Too bad, you've run out, you'll have to wait now for a new supply." His goodness is moment-by-moment and, in my life so MANY times, minute-to-minute. You are grace-full all the time because you are full of HIM."

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.  Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.  For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” (Matt. 11:28-30)

Why does God give us, or allow us to experience, more than we can handle?  So that we come to Him. So that we need Him.  Rely on Him.  So that we live our lives in His strength.  We can do so much more.  We can be who He really wants us to be through the refining process of having more than we can bear.  We can learn humility and compassion.  And we can grow.

Nope, hard times are not fun.  We are usually not running around rejoicing while being crushed by a huge burden.  Thankfulness is not our instinctive reaction.  But the difficult season you're going through may be God's invitation for you to come to Him, receive Him, and experience His Peace that passes all understanding.

The mom that I quoted from the beginning of this post sums it up beautifully:

"i believe that God walks with us and holds us in the raging waters - He doesn't promise to help us avoid them altogether. how would we ever learn and grow and get strong if He only gave us what we can handle? how would we see our desperate need for Him?"